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There's someone who I've been getting to know and she's particularly free-spirited and very smart and mature for her age (in college).

As our discussions have started to lean more towards us potentially having sex, we started to share more personal information with each other, and something she revealed is a bit shocking to me: she's had 25 sexual partners in the past. I've only had a few - and can remember every girl that I've ever slept with.

How can I protect myself in this situation? I'm not seeking medical advice, but more like, is it dangerous for me to have sex with someone who has had that many sexual partners in her past?

I've thought about asking her to let's go and get an STDs test together at some clinic, but I am afraid that would insult her and ruin any chances of us getting intimate. Now I sort of wish that I hadn't known so much about her, to be honest.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks,

Mark D Worthen PsyD
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user9823
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    If this is a serious question, then I am glad you are asking it, because you really need to know this. YES protect yourself. BARRIER methods are the only way to prevent STD transmission. That means [condoms: used correctly][1], stored correctly, before expiration, no breakage. But that only protects your penis, of course. There's a lot more skin contact down there that occurs. Whether someone has told you she's had 0 partners or 1000, you have no way of knowing what she has contracted (tests aren't even 100% accurate). Gonorrhea? Syphilis? Herpes? HIV? Trich? – DoctorWhom Jul 15 '17 at 08:18
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    HIV isn't the only disease that has lifelong consequences; even with treatment some can result in things from infertility to septic shock to brain damage. It concerns me more than anything that you say you wish you didn't know. Consider whether you want to put yourself at risk of all that, if you want to risk getting her pregnant, if you really want to be one more notch on her list, and what you want for your life in general. – DoctorWhom Jul 15 '17 at 08:23
  • This is indeed a serious question, @DoctorWhom, and thanks so much for your comments. Your mentioning that tests aren't even 100% accurate is a bit frightening, as I have hoped to convince her to go to a clinic with me and get tested together for STDs. Now I do not think even that is a good strategy for protecting myself, should she want to have sex without the usage of condoms. – user9823 Jul 15 '17 at 13:15
  • Thanks for giving me the appropriate amount of fear, @DoctorWhom. I think I will not be her no. 26th guy. Masturbation is plenty of (safe) sex for me, at the moment :) – user9823 Jul 15 '17 at 13:18
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    Don't be unreasonable. Tests are accurate enough to be reliable. A good strategy to protect yourself if she doesn't want you to use condoms is to just walk away from her. – Narusan Jul 15 '17 at 15:08
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    What I find most disturbing about this question is your assumption that 25 partners makes her somehow different. What if she had said 1, or 3, or 5? How about 15? I'm really curious what number divides "okay" from "too many" in your mind. – Carey Gregory Jul 15 '17 at 20:08
  • I posted several resources regarding STDs in an answer to this question: Chance of getting sexual transmitted diseases – Mark D Worthen PsyD Jul 15 '17 at 20:23
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    If I really liked her I would personally not let her sexual experiences stop me from continuing to develop a loving relationship, including having sex. Take the risk of being vulnerable with her--tell her about your anxiety. Although before that, I would read more about the topic and get tested yourself. It's possible that she has never had an STD but you have one now and don't know it. – Mark D Worthen PsyD Jul 15 '17 at 20:28
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    @Narusan I agree with your strategy for sure. But I don't think it's unreasonable to take STDs seriously enough to consider them a threat to wellbeing, even life. Yes most are treatable when caught early without problems. But I have had patients (1 male 2 fem) who were infertile due to STDs... treated sepsis from PID... seen the sequelae of neurosyphilis... plenty of HIV... babies with brain damage from herpes encephalitis caught during vaginal birth. I've seen plenty of false negative tests. I've been in county health dept outbreak investigations - syphilis rates for example are way up. – DoctorWhom Jul 16 '17 at 03:45
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    @DoctorWhom I meant that it is unreasonable to not trust STD tests and therefore refrain from having intercourse. – Narusan Jul 16 '17 at 06:38

1 Answers1

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This is a very good and important question, not only for you but for other people as well.

As people have said in the comments, YES it can be potentially dangerous to have unprotected sexual encounters with her without having tested for STDs first. Even if she's had unprotected sex with only ONE person, she would've been at risk for an STD.

As long as she hasn't been tested, please have protected sex only. This study talks about (among other things) the effectiveness of condoms in reduving the risk for STDs.

You should be honest with her and say "I'm not comfortable having unprotected sex if you do not test for STDs first." STDs can be asymptomatic, so she might have one and not know about it. So it's not a question of trust. If it makes it easier for you, you might even say "It's not that I do not trust you, but I do not know the people you've had sex with before and it's them I don't trust."

Generally, I tell people: If a person refuses to check for STDs/does not want to have protected sex, they do not truly care about you. If that's the case, walk away.

Tami
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    I mostly agree with your answer. If I were in this situation, I would suggest that both partners get tested. That would be less offensive than asking only the new partner to get tested. And it would be fair for both to gain this information. – Arsak Aug 04 '17 at 08:53